I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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