Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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