I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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