If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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