I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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