You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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