i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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