So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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