Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
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I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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