We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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