Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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