So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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