Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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