it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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