I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
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He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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