god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
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The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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