That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
