It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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Semen is not good for contacts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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