Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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