You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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