i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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