My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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