i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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