Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cannot find my penis.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize