I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
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Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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