About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize