we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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