The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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