D3 body, D1 cock
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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