No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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