her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
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We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize