Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
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Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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