well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
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It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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