I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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