The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize