Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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