Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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