He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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