Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize