There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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