Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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