i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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