I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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