I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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