I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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