I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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