I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize