Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
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Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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