Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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