I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
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You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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